i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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