i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
