First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
