I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
