I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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