I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
