We're facebook friends in real life
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think your dad took our porno
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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