theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
