We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
