stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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