Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
