My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize