They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i drank out of a bidet.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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