I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
