Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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