His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
