what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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