Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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