I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
