I faked an abortion last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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