cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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