oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
