I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
