suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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