his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
