he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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