When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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