i just made my gag reflex go away.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
