I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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