My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
