No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How does it feel to date your dad?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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