i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
