I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
