um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
