Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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