if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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