Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
that is very illegal...i love you.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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