Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
