Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
