Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Can you bring me the toilet please
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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