; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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