He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
