also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize