I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
