How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
