peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
