I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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