you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
