it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
