If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the day after is always just damage control
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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