He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
