Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
