True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I love you. Go after that dick
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
