I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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