And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
