He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
