The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
