We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
