I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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