Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
