On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
