She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
