so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
