I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
