I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
