I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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