the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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