I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
