He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
