Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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