if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
