Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
