Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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