Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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