New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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