we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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