You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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