There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
