Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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